Bro, not the right place to discuss such things. We don't need your whole personal life and its stupid for you to try to defend yourself to a public audience you'll never meet.
I'm not a shrink, but I've met a few guys like you before. If you're insecure enough to have to post all that here, riding skills are the least of the problems here.
As an FYI, you can fix a panic response. Twist of The Wrist 2 has 119 pages devoted to just that. Certainly worked my issues out. Haven't touched the brake in a corner in a while.
Whatever the issues are, solve them at home. We're going to support every member of this group, no matter what.
Normally, I would be inclined to agree with you (as we all know). However I have taken it upon myself to read past the drama here and note that there are some pretty significant barriers that it sounds like our friend is struggling to overcome and perhaps those things can be addressed in this thread instead of dismissed. Isn't that what this thread is about? Support?
Red: I can understand where you are coming from. I can't apologize on behalf of this forum if you have taken any offense to anything you've read here because we were all purely responding to the information we've been given. But you are welcome to contribute and participate in this forum as you see fit... as long as it doesn't create drama.
That being said, it sounds like you care a great deal for your girlfriend and you are concerned for her safety. This is to be expected and no one is going to tell you to do otherwise but know that sometimes coming off like an "overbearing" parent when someone's confidence is already blasted isn't going to help the situation. I can't attest to whether or not you are or aren't but it's something I wanted to point out.
Meg - I don't think you'll find a rider on this forum who hasn't been a noob at some point. In fact, EvilTwin and I were JUST talking about our own noob phases last night over beers and mexican food. Needless to say, there was a lot of laughter involved. But also know this: motorcycling (especially sportbiking) is an ever evolving skill. You will never reach a point where you know EVERYTHING about it. That's part of what makes it so appealing to folks.
If you are willing, I would like to delve into your experiences and try and help you overcome this panic instinct. I would also like to invite other members to share their own experiences with overcoming barriers as well. The panic braking is probably one of the most common and most dangerous riding flaws that new riders contend with. It has a lot to do with a lot of different things but mostly it's psychology. It is the illusion that the brakes (like in a car) will stop you when you get into a jam. Unfortunately, a car has 4 wheels and can support itself in a corner. Bikes on the other hand, don't have that luxury, and by their very nature require gyroscopic forces generated by forward motion to keep them stable when they are leaned over. Therefore, on a motorcycle, brakes in a corner = BAD
The sooner you program your mind to believe that, the better off you will be. But that isn't going to be enough and you must also reprogram your muscle memory, because often times we react before we have time to process what is going on. There have been SO many times when I have come into a corner hot and my hand didn't want to let go of the brake. I have literally, on several occasions, had to yell at myself to "let go of the fucking brake!" And I'm not the only one who does it, most of the very experienced amateur racers I know have the same experiences at times. It is counter intuitive and as such, the instinct is residual, even as you progress.
Let me ask you this:
1. What do you feel are your biggest weaknesses when you are riding?
2. How do you feel when you are on the bike? For instance: does it feel too heavy? Does it feel unmanageable? Does it feel like you don't have any control?
Are you afraid of it?
3. What goes through your mind when you enter into a corner, honestly? Don't answer with what you SHOULD be thinking. Answer with what you do think (if you can remember). And this goes for all of your falls, crashes, and drops.
4. How many times, and when, do you look down at your speedo when you are riding?
5. Where and when do you feel the most confident (e.g., going in a straight line, making left hand turns, right hand turns, sweeping turns, coming into corners, exiting corners, etc.)?
Honesty is the best policy here because really, it isn't up to any of us to make you a better rider. If you don't feel comfortable answering candidly you can always pm me, but know that there are a lot of riders out there who are in the same boat you are. It isn't necessarily that they shouldn't be on a bike, but maybe exploring their areas of weakness will lead them to make a more realistic plan of how to improve their riding. Hell, maybe you need to get a smaller bike (like a 250) that you can feel more stable on. Stability and confidence are key here.
I know that you are invested in learning how to ride because I've seen the threads that you pay attention to. There is no one here who has a right to judge any rider for having areas of weakness and wanting to improve upon them. That is what this forum is for, and if anyone wants to challenge that I'll blow the dust off of the ban hammer.