Ahahaha, well, it looks like I might have found the problem! While taking apart the bike to get to the stator connection, I found that it had been sitting against the engine and HAD COMPLETELY MELTED! I Jimmy rigged my bike up after having hacked up the old connector with a dremel and just twisted the 3 wires together, individually, to give it a test and see what happened. My battery was almost completely dead and needed a jump, but once I jumped the battery and let it charge for a minute, the bike has continued to run normally. At first, the voltage readings at the battery terminals were pretty low (13.4V), but every time I check it in about 3 minute intervals, it keeps getting higher, indicating proper charging. At present, after about 10 minutes of idling, I'm reading 14 V at the battery terminals. It's still a little low, but it's getting there. I also noticed that my bike is revving up much, much quicker than it used to. If this was the problem, I can't believe it was something so stupid.
I think you should smurf the bullshit. 1 shot of Jim Beam, beer chaser, small line of cocaine. Repeat until you run out, die, or find the true meaning of life.